Some of my most popular posts are on communication. Why is that? I think it’s because we know that communication is one of those things that all of us can seek to improve.
Communication is also something that when changed, can have immediate and positive benefits on your relationship.
The Gottmans are famous for their world-renowned research on couple dynamics and communication. Their book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work has become a best-seller because it focuses on such practical aspects of your relationship that you can start to make changes in.
One of their hugely popular couple communication concepts is the idea of the ‘soft start-up’.
What is the soft start-up?
The soft start-up is simply about approaching a conversation with your partner in a soft way, so that your partner can better receive what you are saying.
Many couples fall into the trap of initiating communication with a harsh start-up such as, “Why didn’t you clean the kitchen?!” [said with a blaming tone].
The Gottmans found out in their research that when you start a conversation with tension or harshness, it’s almost certain that you will end the conversation with tension. Perhaps you’ve noticed this yourself?
How do you communicate with a soft start-up?
There are several tips that can help you start a conversation or raise an issue in your relationship by using the soft start up.
1. Choose your timing carefully
Before you even think about raising an issue or starting a difficult conversation, make sure you’ve got your timing right.
Don’t choose a time when one or both of you are stressed, rushed or dealing with other matters. Also avoid noisy and crowded environments. You want to make sure you’re both relaxed and able to focus on one another without any interruptions.
2. Start with something positive
Starting your conversation with a positive statement can make a huge difference to how you are received. It also set the scene for your conversation.
For example, saying, “Darling, I want to let you know that I really appreciate how hard you’re working at the moment to save money for our deposit”, before you discuss a money issue can help you get off to a strong start.
3. Own your feelings and use “I” statements
Another important part of the soft start-up is to own your feelings and use “I” statements.
This has a two-fold effect. One, your partner will be less defensive because you’re sharing your own feelings, not commenting or interpreting the feelings of your partner. Secondly, using “I” statements helps because when you take ownership of your experience, it’s less likely to be heard by your partner as blame.
For example, “When you left this morning and didn’t turn the dishwasher on, I felt annoyed when I came home” is much more palatable than “You are so lazy and forgetful- why didn’t you remember to turn the dishwasher on like I asked you?”
The former is more likely to get you a positive response and the later is more likely to have your partner defend their position and attack back.
4. Watch your tone of voice
Being mindful of your tone of voice, can also help with the soft start-up and a positive outcome to your conversation.
As humans, we are wired to be sensitive to threat, and threat can be perceived through the voice and the vocal tone. There can be fine line between assertive communication and aggressive communication.
Check your tone as you start to speak. Is there an edge to it? Is there a harshness? If so, see if you can soften your tone. If it helps, notice any tension in your voice and consciously relax your throat and vocal cords.
5. Share a complaint, but don’t criticise
It’s normal to have complaints of our partners. In fact, a complaint if you make it clear what outcome you desire can be very healthy for partners to share with each other.
The problem starts when complaints become criticisms. Any attack on the character of your partner, including global statements of their failings (“you never” or “you always”) can railroad any productive conversation very quickly.
Focus on specific behaviours and make it clear what you dislike, how you feel and how you would like them to change.
6. Make requests for change
Picking up from the last point, complaints without any requests for change are also unhelpful. If you just share your feelings and complaints, your partner may not understand what it is you want.
Let your partner know the specific change you’re wanting. For example, “When you leave your clothes on the floor I feel irritated because I have a need for a clean house, so I’m asking you to please put your clothes in the basket”.
You might have noticed that in this example, the speaker also expressed their need. An expression of your greater need- like a need for cleanliness and organisation- can also help your partner understand where your irritation is coming from. This understanding can then help them be more mindful of your values in the relationship and what will please and displease them.
The soft start-up can be a very effective tool to use when you’re needing to have a difficult conversation. Try it out and see what happens to the communication between you next time you need to raise an issue. You might be surprised by the results.
What’s your experience of using the soft start-up? Have you tried it and what did you notice?