Are you worried about your partner watching porn?
I was recently interviewed by writer Bonnie Vaughan for Good Health Magazine about what to do when you find your partner is into porn.
This is a certainly a hot topic and one I’ve been interviewed about a number of times before by the media. One of the reasons it’s become such an issue in more recent years is because of the ease of anonymous access to pornography via the internet. There’s no doubt that porn is impacting relationships today.
A couple of key points I mentioned in the article included:
- Don’t take it personally. If you come across your partner watching porn, it’s important not to jump to the conclusion that something is wrong with you, your relationship or your sex life. Watching porn is a normal part of sexuality for many men. In fact, research shows most males are watching porn from the age of 11 and upwards. Believe it or not, you can have a good sex life and have a partner that watches porn – they are not mutually exclusive.
- Raise the issue with your partner. Your reaction to porn can be varied, depending on your values, attitudes, religious beliefs and past experiences. Talking about porn is an important discussion to have, so make sure you choose a good time to talk with your partner when you’re not busy, stressed or have the kids around.
- Use healthy communication to discuss the issue. It’s important you don’t go on the attack with your partner because that can be very shaming. Use “I” statements to reduce blaming and shaming, for example, “I was on your computer and noticed…and the feelings coming up for me are…”. Then give your partner time to respond. Try to be curious and suspend your assumptions and judgements about his porn use.
- Don’t pressure your partner to share his porn. I don’t tend to recommend that partners show each other their porn unless there is a genuine excitment and shared arousal about doing this. Sometimes a partner can find it distressing to see the type of porn their partner is watching. It’s okay to have privacy in your relationship, including when you each masturbate and the type of porn you watch.
- Open up about porn in your relationship. Even though you may initially be upset if you discover your partner has been using porn, it can be a great opportunity to discuss what porn means to each of you and what place you want it to have in your relationship. Remember, porn is about fantasy and just because your partner is watching a certain type of porn, it is not necessarily a reflection of what he wants to do in real life. Just like any fantasy, it is an important and healthy part of human sexuality
How do you know when porn is a problem in your relationship?
If your sex life has recently reduced in frequency and/or quality and porn is being used frequently by your partner, it could be a sign that your relationship has a problem with porn. If your partner has become secretive, moody or evasive in your relationship and you’re not happy with the level of emotional and physical intimacy, it may also be a sign that you need to address the use of porn in your relationship.
Want to read the entire article?
Buy the February 2016 copy of Good Health or click the link below to read the article:
What to Do If Your Partner Is Into Porn
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Clinton Power is a relationship counsellor and Gestalt therapist with over a decade of experience helping individuals and couples move out of relationship pain and create great relationships. Get Clinton’s FREE report: 10 Tips for Moving Out of Relationship Pain, by clicking the button below.
