The split of Academy Award Winner Gwyneth Paltrow from Cold Play front-man Chris Martin recently has made news headlines. But not just because they are ending more than 10 years of marriage, but because of the way it was announced.
Gwyneth announced the split on her blog Goop, under the headline ‘conscious uncoupling’.
The online reaction was a collective ‘huh’? as people started to ask, “what is conscious uncoupling”?
While I haven’t come across this specific phrase myself, I was aware of the meaning behind the terminology and was interested to find out more about its origins.
The origins of conscious uncoupling
The Wall Street Journal gives an interesting history to the origins of the term that has received worldwide attention.
The WSJ says:
“Coupling” has referred to romantic or sexual unions since the rise of Middle English (“couple” shares a Latin root with “copulate”). When the Book of Common Prayer was first published in 1549, marriage officiants were instructed to ask “if any man do allege any impediment why they may not be coupled together in matrimony.”
“Uncoupling,” meanwhile, has tended to refer to the detachment of inanimate things, such as railroad cars. When the American Thesaurus of Slang gave “uncouple” as a synonym for getting a divorce in 1942, the usage was likely tongue-in-cheek.
The phrase then evolved when sociologist Diane Vaughan formulated “uncoupling theory” in 1976. This appears to be the first appearance of the term in the sphere of psychology.
In 2009, the phrase was used by U.S. marriage therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who has since gone on to create an online course in conscious uncoupling.
The meaning of conscious uncoupling
‘Conscious uncoupling’ refers to the idea of ending a marriage or relationship in a way where both parties do it with awareness and integrity.
At the forefront of this approach to separation is the intention not to injure each other, and for the wellbeing of children to be placed above all other disagreements and disputes.
The creator of the online course, Katherine Thomas, says ‘conscious uncoupling’ is about taking a healthy approach to ending a relationship. She believes it doesn’t have to be contentious, antagonistic, or destructive.
The process if about supporting goodwill, generosity, and respect, leaving both parties feeling valued and appreciated for all they have shared together. In its essence, it’s about two people striving to minimise the damage to themselves, their children, and their futures.
Is this just pretentious speak for “we’re getting a divorce”?
Many have referred to the phrase as being pretentious and just a prettier way of saying “we’re over!”.
Perhaps you have your own reaction to the phrase. Personally, this smells of psychobabble to me.
I also wonder whether the intention for the process of generating ‘goodwill, generosity, and respect’ is idealistic in some cases.
I totally support couples in finding a way to end their relationship in a respectful way where possible, when they have decided this is the best decision for the couple relationship. But there’s often no avoiding feelings of deep hurt, disappointment, and sometimes regret that come after the end of a relationship.
In a perfect world, perhaps we could all engage in ‘conscious uncoupling’ when we decide to end a relationship, but I think real relationships are messier and not as predictable. Many people don’t or can’t anticipate the flood of feelings that come when they end a relationship. There’s no doubt that in a long-term relationship, it’s a significant loss that can have a huge impact on the individuals and children.
What are your thoughts on ‘conscious uncoupling’? Do you think it’s psychobabble, or genuinely deserves to be something to aim for when ending a relationship?
Clinton Power is a relationship counsellor and Gestalt therapist with over a decade of experience helping individuals and couples move out of relationship pain and create great relationships. Get Clinton’s FREE report: 10 Tips for Moving Out of Relationship Pain, by clicking the button below.