A “situationship” is a common phenomenon I see in my relationship clinic. It’s used colloquially to describe a relationship that isn’t clearly defined, typically more than casual dating but not quite a committed one.
It’s often the grey zone of a relationship that occurs before increasing your commitment to one another, or for some couples, they stay there because it meets the needs of both parties.
I often work with individuals who come to therapy because they are confused about what’s going on in the relationship, and they want to work out how to progress to the next stage of bonding.
Signs You Might be in a Situationship
Here are some signs you might be in a situationship:
- Lack of Labels: You’ve been seeing each other for a while but haven’t labelled what you are to each other. You might also avoid having a conversation to attempt to define the relationship or share your real feelings about each other.
- Inconsistent Communication: You might go days without talking or not have a predictable communication pattern. Your conversations might stay on the surface level and avoid deeper topics about feelings or the future.
- Non-Commitment: You haven’t committed to a future together, and there’s a sense that either of you could walk away at any time without much explanation. The overall feeling is the connection is very casual and lightweight. You may also feel uncertain about the relationship and unsure where you stand or what the other person is feeling.
- Limited Public Interaction: You don’t attend public events together, or your interaction might be limited to private settings. Inviting the other to a family gathering or work social event might be confronting or strange. You might also not go on dates or do what typical couples do to build a relationship. You have yet to meet each other’s friends or family, and there’s no talk of it happening soon.
- Physical Focus: The relationship might focus heavily on physical intimacy rather than emotional bonding. You have great sex and lots of fun in the bedroom, but it doesn’t move into the romantic sphere where you feel attached.
If you identify with several of these signs, it may signal that you’re in a situationship.
How Long Should You be in a Situationship Before You Define it?
This is a hard question because many variables depend on the individuals involved and their comfort levels, relationship expectations, and communication styles.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some factors to consider when deciding whether to define your relationship.
- Comfort levels – how comfortable are you having direct and honest discussions with each other about your feelings and expectations? I find people who are reluctant to have real conversations about what’s going on can tend not to want to change the status quo, i.e., they are comfortable staying in the situation as it is.
- Emotional investment – how emotionally attached are you feeling to the situationship? If your feelings are growing, it may be better to speak about them sooner rather than later (to avoid hurt feelings in the future).
- Exclusivity – how do you feel about the other dating or getting involved with other people? If this bothers you, it could be a sign you would like something more definitive and you need to speak up soon.
- Future planning – do you find yourself thinking about a future together, such as holidays together, moving in, marriage, or kids? If you’re focusing more on a hopeful future, this could be a sign it’s time to define what you have.
As a general guideline, it’s a good time to initiate the conversation if you need clarity about your relationship status after a few weeks to a few months.
It’s also essential to address it when the ambiguity begins to cause stress or hinder your ability to make decisions about your personal life. Remember, the key is open, honest communication and ensuring both parties feel heard and respected. These are the foundations of a healthy relationship.
How to Talk and Define the Relationship
Having “the talk” to define the relationship is an important step; approaching it with care can make all the difference. Here are some steps to consider:
- Prepare Yourself: Reflect on your feelings and what you want from the relationship. Be clear about your expectations and limits. If it helps, write down your thoughts and what you want to communicate so they are clear.
- Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a comfortable, private space without interruption. Make sure it’s a good time for both of you to have a serious conversation. Don’t discuss it as he walks out the door or ends a long and stressful day. Face each other in a quiet space so there are no misunderstandings.
- Start on a Positive Note: Begin by expressing what you appreciate about your time together and what you like about them. This can help soften the conversation and reduce any sense of confrontation.
- Be Direct and Honest: Clearly express your feelings and desires for the relationship. Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings rather than making the other person feel pressured or blamed.
- Listen: After you’ve shared your feelings, give them a chance to speak. Be a good listener and try to understand their perspective, even if it’s different from yours.
- Avoid Ultimatums: Ultimatums never work. They create threats and increase reactivity. Instead of presenting an ultimatum, discuss what you’re looking for and ask if they see the same possibilities. Stay open and relaxed. Breathe!
- Discuss Exclusivity: If being exclusive is important to you, this is the time to bring it up. Find out if they feel the same way. Also, be prepared that they may not want to be exclusive.
- Talk About the Future: Share your vision and ask about theirs. See if your expectations for the relationship align. Also, be prepared that they may never have thought about a future together.
- Give it Time: Be patient if they need time to think about what they want. The decision to enter into a more defined relationship must be mutual.
- Be Prepared for Any Outcome: As I mentioned, the conversation could lead to a deepened relationship, or you might discover that you’re not on the same page. Whatever the outcome, it’s better to know where you stand.
- Set Boundaries if Necessary: If the talk doesn’t go as hoped, decide what you’re comfortable with moving forward. You might need to set boundaries or consider whether you want to continue or leave the relationship and start a new one.
- Consider Couples Counselling: It’s never too soon to seek help from a professional couples counsellor. Couples counselling can help you clarify the issues and form a stronger bond in the long term.
You don’t need to follow all these steps, but remembering some will help you have a more productive conversation.
Remember, defining the relationship is not just about labelling it but also about ensuring that your needs and expectations are met and respected.
Do You Need Relationship Help?
Contact Clinton Power + Associates on (02) 8968 9323 during business hours to discuss your situation and find out how Clinton’s counselling services can help, or book an appointment online now.
Since 2003, Clinton Power has helped thousands of couples and individuals as a counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice in Sydney and online in Australia. Clinton regularly comments in the media on issues of relationships and has appeared on Channel 7, The Sydney Morning Herald, and ABC Radio. Clinton’s eBook, 31 Days to Build a Better Relationship is available through his website or Amazon. Click here to take Clinton’s relationship checkup quiz to find out how well you know your partner.
