I watched the movie Don Jon last weekend and thought it was an interesting commentary on modern-day relationships, and the impact of porn on a relationship.
This romantic comedy is written and directed by Joseph Gorden-Levitt, who also plays the main character Jon Martello- a modern-day take on Don Juan.
He has a list of things he really cares about in his life- his body, his pad, his ride, his family, his church, his boys, his girls and his porn.
There’s no doubt that he is a modern-day Don Juan. Much to the amazement of his friends, he never fails to pick up the most beautiful girl in the bar and take her home for the night.
But what emerges is that as much sex as he has, it’s never as good as porn.
Jon loves watching porn, and will frequently masturbate to porn, even after having sex with a woman. It’s clear that something is missing for him when it comes to being intimate with women.
While Don says ‘this is something every guy does every day’, his confessions at church make it clear that he is watching porn for hours and hours every day, well above what would be considered a reasonable amount of consumption.
It’s not until he encounters the love of his life, Barbara Sugarman (played by Scarlett Johansson), who catches him watching porn and confronts him, that he makes a concerted effort to stop watching porn.
But it’s not something he is able to stick to, and Don falls back into watching porn behind her back.
Without disclosing any spoilers, Don goes on a journey of self-discovery, especially after he has sex with his class-mate Esther (played by Julianne Moore) and she tells him he’s not very good in bed.
It’s this shocking feedback that has Don reconsider his relationship with pornography and real sex.
Does porn addiction exist?
This raises the question: does porn addiction really exist?
While there is no formal diagnosis in the DSM V- the manual of mental disorders- pornography addiction is considered a behavioural addiction that is characterised by compulsive viewing of pornographic material to the point where there are negative consequences, including loss of health, job, income, relationships or friends.
While that might sound quite radical, it’s true that if you’re in a relationship and one of you is compulsively viewing pornography, there can be a significant impact on the quality of your relationship and your sex life.
I’ve encountered couples where one partner has been obsessively using porn, to the point where they lose interest in having real sex with their partner.
Often the partner is confused and dismayed as to why their partner is using porn. It can also be a source of hurt and anger for the partner who is not watching porn.
One of the things that are highlighted in this film, is that long-term use of porn can start to desensitise you to real sexual contact, and lead to a preference of watching porn instead of having sex with your partner.
So while porn addiction is not a legitimate diagnosis in the current DSM-V, it’s unclear as to whether it is an addiction, such as gambling addiction, or whether it is more of a psychological issue, that can be overcome either through pure will-power or going to counselling and therapy.
What causes porn addiction?
This is unclear and there are many different reasons that can contribute to porn addiction that may include:
- anxiety and depression
- dealing with high levels of stress
- coping with a loss or grieving
- fear of intimacy with others
- a need to feel in control
- family of origin influences
- past trauma and abuse
There are physiological elements to watching porn that have been well documented, including the release of dopamine- the ‘feel good’ hormone.
Over time, the need to get the dopamine hit increases due to tolerance (like any drug or alcohol), leading to the person seeking greater diversity of hard core porn, which can involve taking more-and-more time and resources.
This can impact on their day-to-day life, such as being tired for work, becoming unwell, or constantly having to secretly seek porn behind their partner’s back.
While there is more research to be done into the area of the impact on individuals and couples from frequent consumption of porn, this film is thought-provoking and opens up the discussion for couples to have with each other about how they feel about porn- individually and in their relationship.
If you’re struggling with your porn use, or need some help getting it under control, contact Clinton on 0412 241 410 for a free 15-minute consultation.
Watch the Don Jon trailer below:
Do you need relationship help?
If you need help with your relationship, contact Clinton Power + Associates on (02) 8968 9323 to discuss your situation and find out how we can help.
Since 2003, Clinton Power has helped thousands of couples and individuals as a counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice in Sydney and online in Australia. Clinton regularly comments in the media on issues of relationships and has appeared on Channel 7, The Sydney Morning Herald, and ABC Radio. Clinton’s eBook, 31 Days to Build a Better Relationship is available through his website or Amazon. Click here to take Clinton’s relationship checkup quiz to find out how well you know your partner.
