Technology in our lives is exponentially growing in the amount of time we use it and what parts of our lives are helped by it. Technology has made our lives easier, helped us be more effective in our work and allowed us to connect with friends, family and colleagues across the world. However, often with rapid change, there is a cost. And far too often, relationships are suffering because of the effects of technology and how it dominates our world.
Whatever your position on technology, the simple facts are, we can’t avoid it. Technology is embedded into every part of our day, from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. Unless you live in a cave, or somewhere very remote with no contact with others, we actually need technology to go about our day-to-day living.
Here are some of my thoughts on the problematic areas of technology in the realm of relationships.
Technology promotes connection and disconnection
Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. In fact, a large part of my work and personal life involves using technology. From organising my work-life online, to communicating with friends and family on social networks, I can’t imagine life without it. However, with all the advances in technology to help us communicate faster, cheaper and clearer, many people are more lonely and isolated than ever before.
For some people, they can use technology to create psyeudo-connection. By this I mean a person can create the illusion or perception that they are very connected, engaged and vibrant, when the reality is they are anything but. This tends to happen when a person does all their engaging online, yet doesn’t meet with people in the offline world.
Unfortunately, I meet many people in my practice who are profoundly lonely, disconnected and isolated from others, yet by all appearances, are very connected with technology. They may have hundreds of Facebook friends or Twitter followers, yet their cries of loneliness go unheard.
The key here is to find a balance of connection online AND connection offline. I think technology is great to facilitate connection, but then take it into the real world, where something of substance can be developed.
Connection with technology can be shallow
Technology can help you initiate relationships and connect with people that you may not have been able to previously. This is a wonderful aspect of technology. I have met colleagues all over the world, and even become wonderful friends with some of them, all facilitated by technology.
But on the flip side, technology can promote superficial and shallow relationships. While you may have 350 Facebook friends, how many of them could you truly lean on in a time of crisis? The dilemma here is that while you may have many surface-level relationships with technology, you might be missing a couple of key people in your life that can really make a difference to you and your well-being.
It was only a number of decades ago that the only way you could connect with a friend was by picking up a phone or walking around to their house for a cup of tea and a chat. I think the mental health of people in those past decades was better, mostly because people connected in a real way; they connected in the flesh and were present with each other. You learned how to ask for help, reached out for support and gave a helping hand to your fellow neighbour.
Technology can mean instant gratification and lasting dissatisfaction
Technology has certainly promoted our culture of instant gratification and the need for fast and immediate satisfaction. If you buy something online, you now expect an instant email confirming all your purchase details and the ability to track the expedited delivery of your item. Or you download a movie and feel dismayed at having to wait 5 minutes (or more) for the movie to stream.
We live in a culture of desire, immediate need and instant gratification. However, what you may be losing is the ability to ‘chew things over.’ What I mean is developing the ability to reflect on yourself and others and then taking your time to make a decision.
One of the areas I see this play out in relationships is the couple that have an instant connection and rapport, and then fast-forward their relationship to moving in, marriage and/or having kids. They haven’t taken the time to get to know one another and allow things to unfold in a natural and organic way. As a result, they often find they have rushed into a relationship without fully knowing someone. On the other side, technology can also mean the instant end of a relationship without having to deal with facing the person and talking through the issues.
This entire process is often supported by the instant communication and always-ready-and-available position that technology allows.
What’s helpful to remember here is that even though your technology can help you communicate at light speed, you, as a human being, might need more time to work out what you want and how you want it. Slow yourself down, take time out to reflect and support yourself in making sound decisions that will impact you greatly in the future.
The culture of ‘busy me’ leads to a disconnected ‘we’
We live in a time of unparalleled busyness. Technology allow us to be instantly connected and tuned-in at all times to others. With the emergence of smartphones, it now means we are almost never away from our work email, friends updates, text messages and notifications of the location of family.
All this busyness has an impact on the ‘I’ and the ‘we’ of our relationships. You maybe working harder than you ever have, you’re more connected to work, friends and family than you thought was possible, but the real question is, how connected are you to yourself and your partner?
When was the last time you had a meal together with no distractions? A night you didn’t play on your iPhone or read your iPad in bed? Or a day without technology for that matter? No phones, sms, iPad, emails, DVDs, TV or computers? If that sounds like a strange idea, you’re not alone. Being connected to technology at all hours of the day has become the modern-day disease.
Try having a technology-free day or (gasp!) weekend. See what it’s like to not be connected to your friends, or checking your email 30 times a day. Notice what else is in your life when you take technology away. You might be surprised by what you discover.
Do you need relationship help?
If you need help with your relationship, contact Clinton Power + Associates on (02) 8968 9323 to discuss your situation and find out how we can help.
photo credit: © Dragos Iliescu – Fotolia.com
Since 2003, Clinton Power has helped thousands of couples and individuals as a counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice in Sydney and online in Australia. Clinton regularly comments in the media on issues of relationships and has appeared on Channel 7, The Sydney Morning Herald, and ABC Radio. Clinton’s eBook, 31 Days to Build a Better Relationship is available to download for free.
Great article Clinton! Imagine, I begin to sort of feel bad and old fashioned by not having an iPhone yet. My laptop is never on my lap but always sits on my desk. I have a mobile phone that I use only to call, answer a call, send or read a text message. It doesn’t even make pictures. I read real books made of paper because I love the smell and feel of them. Computer screens make me feel tired after a short while. I have real live friends that I catch up with or whom I call. I feel blessed to be this old fashioned and especially after reading your newsletter I think I will postpone buying that iPhone for a lot longer. I’m happy like this!
Miriam- Thanks for your feedback. I think the values you speak about are important for us to strike a balance between using technology to enhance our lives and knowing when to turn it off to connect in the real world.
I am doing a position paper on this topic and I definitely will be quoting and citing this page. I agree in all ways! :))
Though I am apart of the younger generation, I feel that technology has some sort of power over us. It’s all that revolves around us but to keep that sense of connection and emotion, technology cant always compare to the effect of a face to face conversation :))
Thanks Marissa. I agree technology can’t compare to face-to-face. All the best with your paper.
I feel that, as someone in the first “mobile phone” the first “facebook” and “internet chat” generation, it’s made it incredibly hard and stressful to find a relationship of substance. Men find it so easy to jump online and watch pornography. Once upon a time you could only see that sort of thing if you had a parter who you loved and spent time with and who trusted you enough to show you herself that way. There has never really been any focus on the need to outline, in relationships these days, the rules and the morals of using technology while in a partnership. Every man I’ve been with has either a) had internet sex with someone else b) chatted up other females via TXT on the mobile phone c) got in contact with an ex through email, without telling me d) added so many girls who liked to post semi-naked photos of themselves on facebook, then ‘chatted’ to them that I left him. SURELY it is OK to have a conversation regarding one’s values in a relationship and how one expects technology to be involved or not involved in their life. Funnily enough, men don’t seem to want to have a bar of that. The men that I see in the world are greedy for the ease of other women’s attention they get through technology, or the need to see other women having sex or naked. Shoot of a text message. Delete it without a trace. It hurts the partners feelings. It’s not just men, obviously, women are finding it so easy to cheat via technology, if they are that way inclined. Horrible.
Technology is making women like me so upset that we become overly stressed and paranoid. But is it paranoia? I believe it’s a normal response to be upset about these kinds of infidelity. I have been called “abnormal” even “crazy” for simply voicing the fact that I don’t think it’s ok to use technology to do things like get an ego boost on facebook chatting to other girls when you are with someone. Sometimes, I honestly wish that I was born before all of this. I see my friends, every single one of them with stories to tell of their heartbreak over something to do with a boyfriend and technology. They are all stonewalled, their partners saying they are not “normal.” Well guess what, if there’s never been a discussion about values and expectations in the relationship regarding technology, then how on earth can you be called abnormal, when you are only reacting because you feel extremely hurt. And it’s awfully confusing. Because technology is everywhere. It is not even a natural state for humanity. That can’t be good.